Puked Jokes

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong. The crying drunk says, "I've puked all over myself again and my wife's gonna kill me. What do I do pal?"
The one drunk offers this advice: "Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten bucks to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sound like a great idea," says the crying drunk.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says, "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten bucks for puking on you," says the wife.
"He did," says the drunk, "but he shit in my pants too!"

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.
George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."
George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"
Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of more...

Weird, but allegedly true, celebrity encounters as quoted in the book "Elvis Presley's Pharmacist Was My Sunday School Teacher" (Alaska Northwest Books, $8.95).

"While playing a celebrity basketball game at the Pentagon, I mistakenly put on Al Gore's jockstrap."

"I once heard Brian Keith belch."

"I was circumcised by C. Everett Koop."

"Kurt Cobain puked on my ex-girlfriend."

"I took Captain Kangaroo's stool sample."

"I once built a stage that Glenn Campbell fell through."

"I watched Jaclyn Smith pick her nose while driving her Corvette."

"I sat on a plane next to the best friend of the nephew of the Japanese guy that President Bush puked on."

"I threw a Frisbee to the Emperor of Japan."

"My ancestors ate Magellan."

"I know a guy whose father's more...

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong. " I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me." The other drunk says " Do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket." His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. " Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife. " He did," says the drunk. " But he shit in my pants too."

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn, ” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me. ”
“Not to worry, ” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill. ”
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties? ” she asks.
The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too. ”