Punish Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man took the witness stand in his own trial in an effort to defend himself of a murder charge. "Sir," His lawyer began, "You are openly confessing to murdering Ms. Johnson, are you not?"
"Yes Sir, I am!"
"And yet at the same time, you are proclaiming your total inocence of all charges, Is that not correct?" His lawyer pursued.
"That is correct!" the man replied.
"Was this a case of self defense?"
"Definitely a case of self defense! She really intended to punish me!"
"Really? In what way was she going to punish you?"
"She asked me to marry her!!"
"Not Guilty!!!" Exclaimed the Judge! "Case dismissed!!!"

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED: I get up early.
TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you don't have to keep yours.
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow". That's what I did.
TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you more...

A Nun and her friend, Sarah were playing golf. Sarah misses a 3 foot putt and yells, "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the nun says, "If you keep saying that then God will punish you." Next hole Sarah misses a 2 foot putt and says "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the nun says, "ONE more time Sarah, and God will punish you!" Then Sarah misses a neoot putt and says "GOD DAMN IT!!!MISSED THE BUGGER!" Suddenly clouds form overhead. God comes down from Heaven and strikes the nun dead with a bolt of thunder. God says, "Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!"