Push Jokes / Recent Jokes

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof distain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly more...

It's 3 a.m. and a couple is sleeping, when suddenly someone knocks on its door. The husband wakes up and goes to see who is disturbing them in the middle of the night.
He then sees a young man and when he asks him what he wants, he says furiously, "Please, it's an emergency! I really, really, really need a push!!! Please can you come to help me?"
The husband, still angry from his brutal awakening, answers in a very rude way and slams the door on the poor man's face. On his way to his bed he thinks, "Why did I react in such a way? I am a good person and this man could be in a lot of trouble without his car. Maybe I should have helped him...". However, he goes back to sleep.
At 4 a.m. another knock is heard on the couple's door, this time even louder. Both the husband and the wife wake up and the husband says, "Honey, why don't you go see who it is and if it's a man asking for a push, help him because I didn't and I feel bad."
The wife more...

* On an electrician’s truck: Let us remove your shorts. * Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak. * On a maternity room door: Push, Push, Push. * At an optometrist’s office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place. * On a taxidermist’s window: We really know our stuff. * On a butcher’s window: Let me meat your needs. * On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive. * At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment

Here is a list of some funny signs found in actual businesses and homes!
Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push"
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.
Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people.
Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.
Sign in an office: We more...

A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him? she asks.
"No I didn't -- it's three in the morning"
"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us?. I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello -- are you still there?"
"Yes", comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes please!" comes the reply from the more...

At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)"Best Place in Town to take a Leak"Sign over a gynecologist's office"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."On a Plumbers truck:"We repair what your husband tried to fix."On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."Pizza shop slogan:"7 days without pizza makes one weak."At a tire shop in Milwaukee:"Invite us to your next blowout"Door of a plastic surgeon's office:"Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.Would that be satisfactory?"At a towing company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."On an electrician's truck"Let us remove your shorts."In a non-smoking area:"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."On a more...

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push." On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission" On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels." On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs." On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you." At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get more...