Push Jokes / Recent Jokes

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!" On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push." At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

DOS AIR - All the passengers go out into the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets into the
air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again.. Then they grab the plane again, push it
back into the air, hop on, etcetera.
WINDOWS 95 AIRLINES - The terminal is very neat and clean. The attendants are all very attractive and
the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin
to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the
clouds, and at 20, 000 feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS - The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the
same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need
to know, and would you please return to seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS - The terminal is almost empty, with only a prospective passengers milling about. more...

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat`s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat`s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden more...

*REAL SIGNS FROM AROUND THE WORLD

Plumber: "We repair what your husband Fixed."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We wants tows."

Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for you've come to the right place."

On a Butcher's window: "Let me more...

Late one night there was a tap on the front door, so Joe awoke to have a look and there was this man asking him for a push, annoyed with him Joe slamed the door and went back to bed. His wife awoke and asked him who was it? just some guy wanting me to give him a push, so what did you say? nothing!! I just shut the door in his face... the wife got very upset with, chastised him and sent him back to give the poor fellow a push.
So Joe mumbling along went and opened the front door, but it was very dark and couldn't see anyone... so he hallowed "hey man where are you? sorry! can I give you a push now?" the voice returned from the dark corner of the garden "Yeh sure!!" Joe again goes where are you? the voice returns "Over here on the swing!!!"

At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)
"Best Place in Town to take a Leak"

Sign over a gynecologist's office
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband tried to fix."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"

At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an more...