Push Jokes / Recent Jokes

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push." On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission" On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels." On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs." On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you." At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on more...

DOS Airline:
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they
jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground
again, then they push again, jump on again and so on.
DOS with QEMM Airline:
The same thing but with more leg room to push.
Mac Airline:
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers,
and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the
same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are
told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and that
everything will be done for you without you having to know,
so just shut up.
OS/2 Airline:
To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different
times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill out a
form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should
look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train, or a bus.
If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane
succeeds in getting more...

Sign on gate at the pig farm: "No Porking in Driveway."
Sign in the optical lab: "Please do not look into laser with remaining eye."
A couple of more collectives: a mockery of acquittals. An exasperation of Jewish Mothers.
Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts--for support, not for illumination.
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid; there are so many places they can hide."

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

Says one psychiatrist to his colleague: "You are fine; how am I?"

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?. .. Poultry in motion.

Aibohphobia (def'n): An irrational fear of more...

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rearpaws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.Call spouse from garden.6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.7. more...

People who push both elevator buttons should get their wish.

Barbie's Letter To Santa:



Dear Santa,



Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!



There had better be some change around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1999, Santa.



1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?



2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap more...

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to more...