Push Jokes / Recent Jokes

Cool REAL Signs!
At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator) "Best Place in Town to take a Leak"
Sign over a gynecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband tried to fix."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"
At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we more...

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them. He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"Nobody answered him. He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"Again nobody answered. The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

An elderly man goes to see his doctor, looking for an answer to an important question.
He says to the doctor, "Doc, when I was in my 20's, it took both of my hands to push down my hard-on."
"When I was in my 30's, it took one hand to push down my hard-on."
"Then, in my 50's, it took two fingers to push down my hard-on."
"Now that I've reached my 60's, it takes one finger to push down my hard-on."
"Basically, what I'm trying to ask you is... how strong am I going to get?"

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one more...

Once there was a little boy called Rohit who lived in the country.
They had to use an outhouse, and Rohit hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the river.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so Rohit decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the river.
So he got a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the river and floated away.
That night his dad Kanjibhai told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
Kanjibhai replied, "someone pushed the outhouse into the river today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"
Rohit answered yes.
Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that Gandhiji chopped down a Pipal tree and didn't get more...

Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator
1) Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) Meow occasionally.
6) Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) Say "Ding" at each floor.
8) Say "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) Try to make more...

A man and wife were in bed asleep when the wife woke up to hear a voice calling, "I need a push." So she shook her husband awake and asked him to go and see what was going on.

Reluctantly, the husband got up and went to the front door to see who was out there and what was wrong. He heard a very drunken voice calling from outside the house, "I need a push." Disgusted, the man went back to bed and told his wife, "I'm not helping some drunk guy in the middle of the night."

The wife said, "Honey, remember when the car broke down and the two nice men gave you a push? You must do the same for this man in need."

So, grumbling, the husband went back to the door and called, "Are you still there?"

A voice said, "Yes." The husband said, "Where are you?

The voice said, "Over here on the swing."