Quiet Jokes / Recent Jokes

Her Diary
Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was
wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was
upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I
love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do
with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T. V.; he seemed distant and
absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to more...

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!" Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday. Once again, just more...

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to
be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so
no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus
landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort
sniff honk honk snort! coming from one of his reindeer.
Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one
it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff
honk honk snort!
Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh! Santa hissed.
"Please be quiet!
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when
he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF
HONK HONK SNORT! Lights came on all over the neighborhood and
some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove
quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the more...

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, "Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and he ran back to his son asking "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said' Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked!!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Quiet Tina!
Quiet Tina who?
Quiet Tina courtroom - monkey wants to speak!

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same more...

Two friends are out on a hunting trip. While Jeff has never been hunting before, Jim has hunted all his life. Jim instructs Jeff to sit by a tree and not make a sound while he goes to check out a deer stand.
He gets a fair distance from Jeff when he suddenly hears a blood-curdling scream. He races back to Jeff and shouts, "Didn't I tell you to keep quiet?"
"Hey, I tried," says a shaken Jeff. "I honestly did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't utter a sound. While that bear was breathing down my neck, I never made a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up the legs of my pants and said, 'Shall we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any longer!"