Quiet Jokes / Recent Jokes

The KGB had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists - two men and one woman. For the final test, the KGB agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her. ”
The first man said. “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife, ” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife. ” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home. ”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She more...

A story I'll tell of a burglar boldWho started to rob a house; He opened the window, and then crept inAs quiet as a mouse. He looked around for a place to hide,'Till the folks were all asleep, Then said he, "With their moneyI'll take a quiet sneak." So under the bed the burglar crept; He crept up close to the wall; He didn't know it was an old maid's roomOr he wouldn't have had the gall. He thought of the money that he would steal, As under the bed he lay; But at nine o'clock he saw a sightThat made his hair turn gray. At nine o'clock the old maid came in;"I am so tired," she said; She thought that all was well that nightSo she didn't look under the bed. She took out her teeth and her big glass eye, And the hair from off her head; The burglar, he had forty fitsAs he watched from under the bed. From under the bed the burglar crept, He was a total wreck; The old maid wasn't asleep at allAnd she grabbed him by the neck. She didn't holler, or shout or call, She was as more...

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man.

"I'm a mathematical logician dealing in the nature of proof."

"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.

"Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card."

"And?" said the judge.

"And he asked' Can you prove you are from New York City?'. .. So I stabbed him."

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping!"

A Buddhist and a Hindu were once good friends on the earth. When they died, they both went to heaven. Since the Buddhist arrived first, he began to show the Hindu around. The Hindu was very impressed. He asked many questions. Soon they came to a large hall. The Buddhist ordered the Hindu to be very quiet as they tiptoed past it. "Why did you ask me to be quiet when we passed that hall just now?" soon enquired the Hindu.
"Well, it's because I did not want us to be seen," explained the Buddhist. "That hall belongs to the Christians. They think they are the only ones in heaven. So I felt it better not to disillusion them."

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.
When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street."But officer," the man began, "I can explain.""Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.""But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."