Records Jokes

In the back of the Guinness Book of World Records it states “All records are currently held by Chuck Norris, and the records listed in this book are only the records of those people who have come closest to Chuck Norris’s records.”

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are more...

Top Ten Guiness Records No One Wants To Break
10. Longest-Running Show on CBS
9. Least-Jiggy Human
8. Sweatiest Palm
7. Most Freakish Person Named "Michael Jackson"
6. Most Times in "Price Is Right" Audience Without Being Asked to "Come On Down"
5. Greatest Number of Obscene Phone Calls Received From Tom Bosley
4. Most Times Hit In Face By a Goose While Riding A Roller Coaster
3. First Person To Circle Earth in Wet Corduroy
2. Longest-Running Marriage to Dennis Rodman
1. Longest Fingernails (On Someone Who Doesn't Realize Their Fly Is Open)

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold........... on...... 889861356102049998-45-54610"
Operator: "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator: "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator: more...

For anyone else who keeps records of the trash posted on these boards.
This is your day
I am posting this from a PC that was confiscated from a user who thought nothing could happen
I bought it for GP (it's a pile)
And thanks to my records
More will be available soon
Bobby hasn't posted for a while
They must have been to his door too.