Records Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three leprechauns, Sean, Mick and Kevin, are sitting in the pub getting quietly pissed when Mick shouts out, 'Jaysus, I'm bored wid bein' a feckin' nobody. I'm tinkin' I'll take meself down to de Guinness Book of Records office and get meself entered in de book.'
'What de hell are ye talkin' about, ye eejit? You've dun nuttin' to get in de book for,' says Sean.
'Well, it's me hands, Sean,' Mick says, waving them around. 'I tink dey are de smallest in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de book and I'll be world famous.'
The other two agree that they are quite small and they all carry on drinking heartily.
A little while later Kevin pipes up, 'Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de Guinness Book of Records for yer small hands, so can I.'
The other two smirk at each other and Mick says, 'How can ye have de smallest hands in the world if I've got dem, ya bloody fool?'
Kevin replies, 'It's not me hands, Mick, it's me feet,' and he takes his boots to show more...
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia. If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The West Virginia edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
Other features:
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes D shore
no = naaaaa
find = more...
After dying suddenly at the age of 46, Jack the lawyer was greeted by an angel at the gates of Heaven. "We've been waiting for you for a long time," the angel said.
"What do you mean?" Jack replied. "I'm 46, right in the prime of my life, far too young to die."
"You're not 46, you're 85," said the angel. "If you think I'm 85 then you definitely have the wrong guy. I can even show you my birth certificate," Jack said.
The angel told Jack to wait while she went and checked some records. After a few minutes the angel returned and said, "By our records you are 85. I've checked all the hours you've billed your clients and you definitely have to be 85!"
(Forwarded by an American friend of Italian descent).
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Brooklyn version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside New York. If you have one of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Brooklyn edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDAS 98 with a background picture of the East River with a floating body. It is shipped with a 'NYPD BLUE' screensaver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled 'Garbitch'
My Computer is called 'My Freakin Computer,'
Dialup Networking is called 'Good Fellas',
Control Panel is known as the 'da Tote Board,'
Hard Drive is referred to as 'da trunk', and...
Floppies are them 'little Freakin plastic disc tings'.
Instead of an error message you get a winda covered with steel bars and Grafitti.
OTHER FEATURES:
WINDOWS 98WINDAS 98
OKdo it I tell ya
Cancelhell more...
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold........... on...... 889861356102049998-45-54610"
Operator: "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator: "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator: more...
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Halloo, can I order?"
Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on... 698-45-54610..."
Operator: "OK... you're... Mr Steven Huckleberry and you're calling from 17 Retief Str. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 082 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator: "We are connected to the system Sir."
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir."
Customer: "How come?"
Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir."
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator: "Try our more...
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph. D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with more...