References Jokes

The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a pastorate:
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: more...

National Federation of Uniformed Elves
Main Office, North Pole
Female Elf Employment Application
1. Name ________________
2. Present Address ____________________
3. Age ___ (If under 100, parental permission is required)
4. Height ______ (If over 3 feet 6 inches, please attach waiver
application)
5. Present Occupation ____________ (If politician, forget it!)
6. Hobbies ______________________________
(If boys, boys, boys, do you like "little, little" boys?)
7. Professional Qualifications ______________________________
(Can you cook, sew, clean and other things male chauvinist
elves get off on?)
8. References ______________________________
(No religious references please. They tend to lead us astray.)
9. Have you ever been arrested or convicted for molesting a
reindeer?
Yes ( ) No ( ) (if yes, you need not apply!)
10. Have you ever been arrested or convicted for molesting more...

Obsessive cyberflirt, actually 47 years old and hasn't left her house in weeks but feels loved because she has 300 AOL'ers chasing her.
Odinist Mafiosi dominatrix gangster's moll, in Norway and bored because she hasn't shed any blood in THREE DAYS, let alone killed anyone.
Cyberspace Jaye Davidson, considers himself trapped in a man's body but won't admit it.
Illiterate bimbo, knows how to use the SHOUT command on MUDs and nothing else.
Smirking college student who thinks it's so fun to tease men, and does nothing but IRC on #hotsex because she's the star of the show. Uses the name of one of her sorority sisters so that the losers who track her down don't pester HER.
AOL hacker-wannabe. Will sleep with anyone who can tell her about Kevin Mitnick.
Bored grad student's AI routine "blonde.c"
Kibo.
Achmed Darsein, who is cleverly disguising himself as a woman in order to learn about the USA and blow up the World Trade Center again. Your first clue more...

A steelworker walks into a construction site and applies for a job. The site foreman is impressed by his job references and past experiences. He looks fit and has a good personality. He is on the verge of offering the man a job when he notices a break of six months in the employment record.

The foreman asks "What were you doing for six months?"

The steel fixer shuffles his feet a bit and replies "There was an accident on site and I was injured with a disk cutter".

"That's awful", says the foremen, "Was it a bad injury"?

The steel fixer shuffles his feet even more and replies, "Its not something I would want passed around the site, but the disk cutter caught me in the groin and they had to amputate both my testicles in hospital later".

"Well I can see why you wouldn't want that known". Said the foreman. "You look fit enough now and your references are excellent so more...