Regularly Jokes / Recent Jokes
Personal Hygiene
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's own truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter
and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save
hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this
method.
The first rule of shaving is to take your time. A man who is always
clean-shaven runs the risk of being labeled a sissy or an international
banker.
It's recommended that women occasionally shave their legs and
under-arms. No amount of effort, not even braiding, can make hair in
these body regions attractive.
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down
item.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for more...
My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was properly equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the "toilet" facitilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up the the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode". But after she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again and re-wrote the entire letter. This time, she referred to the bathroom commode as merely B.C. "Does the campground have its own B.C.?" she wrote.
The campground owner wasn't old-fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. The business about "B.C." stumped him. After much more...
Redneck Driving Etiquette
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Redneck Personal Hygiene
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for more...
A certain English lady visited Switzerland and was having difficulty finding a room, so she asked the local schoolmaster to help her. After a satisfactory room had been found, she returned to her home and did some packing.Suddenly, it occured to her that she hadn't noticed a W.C. (in England, the toilet is called a Water Closet), so she wrote the schoolmaster about the W.C.The Schoolmaster, not knowing the meaning, asked the parish priest and together they decided that it must mean "Wayside Chapel." He wrote her the following letter:
Dear Madame,It is my pleasure to inform you that there is a W.C. just 9 miles from your home, in the center of a grove of pine trees. It seats 229 people, and it is open on Thursdays and Sundays. This is an unfortunate situation if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will, no
doubt, be glad to hear that some people bring their lunches and make a day of it.I would especially recommend Thursdays, for then there is an Organ more...
When to Propose... Or Not
Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage.
* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square thing?"
* Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence?
* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.
* Have you noticed her name tattoed on three or more local bikers?
* Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names tattooed on her?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old boyfriend's?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay Packers?
* Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum?
* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?
* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?
* Does her resume include a more...
Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
90% believe in divine retribution.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an afterlife.
45% believe in ghosts.
13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
29% of us are virgins when we marry.
58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
10% more...
Facts about Americans. Did you know that. . .
Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
67. 5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to
higher denominations.
13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high
prices of snack foods.
90% believe in divine retribution.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an more...