Reindeer Jokes / Recent Jokes
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E. P. A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called more...
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:' 'These toys insured by more...
'Twas the Night Before Christmas: Politically Correct Version
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to ''Elves'',
''Vertically Challenged'' they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was more...
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"
Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it " soots " him!
Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true. . . Comet cleans sinks!
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because more...
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump more...
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, and nurturing
social deal and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull
it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of
Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they
– with amazing calm –
call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You
might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my
husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th
hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced
Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe
would wake up more...
Twas the night before ChristmasAnd all through the houseThere were empties and buttsLeft around by some louse.And the best quart I'd hidBy the chimney with careHad been swiped by some creepWho'd discovered it there! Our hung-over guestsHad been poured into bed(They'll wake in the mornWith a God-awful head)My tongue, cotton-coated, Hung down to my beltAnd only the seasickCould know how I felt! My wife - she had long agoGone up to bedWhile visions of RedskinsDanced in her head.And I in the parlorSat all alone, I'd unplugged the catAnd put out the phone.Just then, through a windowCame noise and smellsLike an overturned beer truckAnd tinkle of bells! I sprang from my chairTo see what was the matterTo see what was causingThe smell and the clatter.When what to my wonderingEyes did appearBut eight drunken reindeerAnd sled full of beer! With a little old driver, Nose red as a brick, I knew it was SantaAs tight as a tick! Weaving upward and downwardHis reindeer they cameWhile he hiccoughed and more...