Release Jokes / Recent Jokes
The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You more...
/* * Microsoft marketing algorithm. */ #include #include #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include /* For the court of law */ #define say(x) lie(x) #define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version void main() { if (latest_window_version > one_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market(bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION); } while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) { make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */ if (rumours_grow_wilder) make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play); if (rumours_grow_even_wilder) { market_time=ripe; say("It will be ready in one month); order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version); order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version); order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); vapourware = TRUE; break; } } switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress) more...
A patient in a mental hosptial was being reviewed to determine whether he was ready to be released.
When asked what he would do if he was released, he answered, "I'm going to make a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in the joint."
Needless to say, his release was denied.
A few months later, the board was again considering his release and again they asked him the same question. His reply was the same as the previous time: "I'm going to make a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in the joint."
Again, his release was denied.
Some months later, he was talking with a fellow patient and complaining that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. "You'll never get released with answers like that," the fellow patient said. "What you have to do is tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them more...
For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common? 1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support. 2. Both barf all over themselves regularly. 3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help. 4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceded them. 5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year. 6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one. 7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation. 8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release. 9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work. 10. For at least the next year, more...
(The story below is of my own telling; it is based upon a true
story told me by my uncle, but I have invented the name "Howard,"
inserted some opinions about "hunting shows," and changed the course
of events slightly.)
My uncle told me about one of his friends, Howard, who was hired to
participate in one of those "Saturday Sportsman" shows. His job was
to hide in the bushes, holding a pheasant, and release it at the
appropriate moment, so that it could be promptly shot down for the
pleasure of the viewing audience.
Howard's first brush with Hollywood was very exciting. Granted, no one
would ever see him, his name wouldn't be in the credits, but, at least it
was "Show Business!" Provided with a pheasant, and installed in a certain
stand of corn stalks, Howard waited for his cue to hurl the bird into
the air.
You, the viewer, don't see Howard, of course. You do see two more...
When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like' 'data and' 'beta version.'' They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.
Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:
Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for' 'doesn't work.''
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for' 'still doesn't work.''
Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger' 'Duffy'' Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf more...
/*
* Microsoft marketing algorithm.
*/
#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, more...