Replace Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1, 500, 000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders for them.

Q: How many people of the anti-matter Universe does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Minus 2. -1 to change the bulb, -1 to have a fight with Captain Kirk.

Q: How many Minbari does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: None. They never finish the job and they refuse to tell you why.

Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say "I wish I was up there! "

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act more...

THE LIFE OF A COMPUTER ANALYST (Long but VERY Funny!) Monday ------ 8: 05am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too? 8: 12am Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer... 8: 14 am User from 8: 05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport. 11: 00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she more...

1. Bicycle handle grips.
2. French tickler animals.
3. Shower caps for people with tiny heads.
4. Put one on a light bulb for mood lighting.
5. Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.
6. Get 1000 and make a submarine.
7. Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.
8. Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.
9. Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.
10. Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.
11. Water wings for those non-swimmers.
12. Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house.
13. Jello molds.
14. Finger puppets.
15. A wind sock.
16. Use as a bobber when fishing.
17. Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it.
18. Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.
19. Suspenders.
20. Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?)
21. Small animal muzzle.
22. Put them on your more...

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately! Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone's autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some)to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair more...

If you receive an email entitled "Crazy Times" delete it immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
1) It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
2) It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
3) It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
4) It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
5) It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
6) This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
7) It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
9) Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your more...

On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me... A batch
of my special hand-print cookies.

I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove.
In that micro-second, Fluffy climbed onto the table, poked her paw
into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance,
fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups
of sugar, three sticks of butter. Of course, it would have been
cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and
just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.


On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me.... On a
trip to the vet clinic.

Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I
didn't. Damages? $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so
the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Fluffy had taste-
tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of
embarrassment more...

This is Army policy all begins...

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous more...