Request Jokes / Recent Jokes

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:
i do physical labour
i work at great depths
i am always using my head first
i do not get rdo's, weekends off or public holidays.
i work in a damp environment
i don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
i work in a dark work place that has poor ventilation
i work in high temperatures
my work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Response from Human Resources
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request.
you do not work 8 hrs
you fall a sleep on the job after brief work periods
you do not always follow the orders of the management team
you do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
you take a lot of non rostered breaks
you leave the work place messy at the end of your shift
you do not like working double shifts
and if more...

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, more...

An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor with her husband. After the consultation was finished, the elderly man suddenly asked the doctor for a piece of paper and a pen.
Although a strange request, he complied, and the man quickly wrote something, then handed the folded piece of paper to the doctor. He told him to read it as soon as they had left.
The doctor thought that the man perhaps had an embarrassing medical complaint he didn't want to talk about in front of his wife, so the doctor didn't hesitate in obeying the request.
Once the couple had left the room, the doctor sat down and read the piece of paper. It's contents were thus: "Doctor, your fly is undone!"

(best done with exaggerated English & German accents)
An English P.O.W. is in a German hospital with serious injuries. The
doctor comes into his room and says, "The news iss bad. Ve are going to
have to amputate your leg." The Brit replies "Right then. War is hell and
all that malarkey. But could you ask your commandant if he wouldn't find
it to much of a bother to drop it over my beloved homeland when he goes on
his next bombing mission?" Off goes the doctor, and with the commandant's
permission, they fulfill his request.
A few days later, the doctor returns into his room and says, "More bad news.
Ve are going to have to amputate your other leg." The Brit replies "Right
then. War is hell and all that malarkey. Could you ask your commandant
if he wouldn't mind terribly if he could drop it over my beloved homeland
when he goes on his next bombing mission?" Off goes the doctor, and more...

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request DENIED for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- does not have a degree;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- shows no fidelity to the workplace;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.

A little old lady walked into the main branch of Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to open an account with the bank and deposit the $3 million she had in the bag. She said that prior to doing so she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the large amt. of money involved. The teller opened the bag and saw bungles of $100 bills and thinking this a reasonable request telephoned the president's secretary to make an appointment for the lady. Later the lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money and whether it was perhaps and inheritance. She replied "No, I bet on people." Seeing his confusion she explained that she just bet different things with different people. All more...

Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called "Santa Kurtz."
Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.
Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the toddlers.
After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice big bag of clams?"
The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.
Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!"
Actually enjoys it when small children urinate on his lap.
Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.
"Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!"
Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair.
Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn more...