Resort Jokes / Recent Jokes
This man had decided to spend some time in this new and fancy resort which advertised an all inclusive do all you can kind of sejour. So he shows up at the desk, gets his key and goes to his room. Looking thru the hotel's book he finds there are tennis courts on the premises so he calls the desk to find out how to go about playing a set or two. "Just meet the pro at the tennis shop, he will lend you all that you need and will find you someone to play with." answered a very polite clerk. "How much is that going to cost me" the man asks So the man goes to the shop, plays tennis all afternoon. When he is done he asks the pro how much he owed. "Nothing, this is on the room." The next day he decided to try horse backriding and again found it did not cost him a penny more than the price of the room. After a week there he had done just about everything that was available except golf. On his last day he decided to play a round so he goes to the club house, gets more...
Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994
1. Introduction
The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.
2. Food
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy...
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties
You make the bed+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets-1
You leave the toilet seat up-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings+5
In the snow+8
But return with beer-5
Social Engagements
Party
You stay by her side the entire party0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking mate-2
Named more...
THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it
is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects... Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows... 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with wings...+5 But return with beer. ..-5 You check out a
suspicious noise at night. .. 0 You check out a suspicious noise and
it's nothing... 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's
something....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's her
father...-10 You leave the toilet seat more...
A fisherman got married and went to a mountain resort for the honeymoon.
The resort clerk saw the man at the pier fishing and asked, why are you fishing?
Shouldn? t you be making love to you? re new bride?
The fisherman said, Naw, she? s got gonorrhea, but that? s ok I like to fish.
The clerk said well you could turn her over and get some booty.
The fisherman said, Naw, she? s got diarrhea, but that? s ok I like to fish.
The clerk asked well couldn? t you at least get some head?
The fisherman said, Naw, she? s got pyorrhea, but that? s ok I like to fish.
The clerk now in disbelief says gonorrhea, diarrhea, pyorrhea, what the hell did you marry her for?
The fisherman said, She? s also got worms and you know I like to fish.
A newlywed couple was spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday, and they had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were alright. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were okay.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love," came the reply.
The old man responded, "I thought so. Would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"
An elderly gentleman is walking down the road, and notices a nudist resort has opened recently. He ponders for a bit and thinks, "What the heck, I am old now, I have nothing to hide. I think I'll go check it out." He walks into the reception area where he is greeted by a beautiful blonde woman who is stark naked. He thinks to himself that this place has some definite posibilities.
Receptionist, "May I help you?"
Old man, "Yes, you can. I am thinking of joining. Is there any way I can go in and have a look around?"
Receptionist, "Sure you can. We allow potential nudists to go in for 2 hours and see if it is the life for them, but you have to leave your clothes here."
"Great," says the old man, and hands over his clothes and enters the resort.
He walks around for a few moments, puffing on a cigar, and realizes he is getting tired of walking and also notices he is aroused for the first time in a long time. Spotting a more...