"The Mans Point System!" joke

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it
is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects... Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows... 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with wings...+5 But return with beer. ..-5 You check out a
suspicious noise at night. .. 0 You check out a suspicious noise and
it's nothing... 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's
something....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's her
father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the
toilet-paper roll when it's empty... 0 When the toilet-paper roll is
barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you
shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party... 0 You
stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6
Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner... 0 You take her out to
dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it's
all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your
favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forget
your anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus
station...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouring
rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal. ..-5 And the pal is
happily married. ..-4 Or frighteningly single. ..-7 And he drives a
Mustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED). ..-15
You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You miss
curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3
am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars
. ..-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoying
friend from work...+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends,
and she comes home real late...+10 You wait up...+15 She goes out,
comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie...+2 You take her to a movie she
likes...+4 You take her to a movie you hate...+6 You take her to a
movie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop
3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said it
was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected... 0 You buy her
flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20 You give her
wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30 And she contracts
Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop a
noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10 You develop
a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one
too"....-800

FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5
Something she can't use...+10 Such as a motorized model
airplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive...+20 You let her mother
tell you how to drive...+40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end up
getting lost because you followed her directions. ..+10 You end up
getting lost in a bad part of town. ..-15 You get lost in a bad part
of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25 You know
them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive
questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in
responding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression... 0 When she wants
to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5 You listen for more
than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 She realizes this is
because you've fallen asleep...-20