Retired Jokes / Recent Jokes
An older retired N.Y. jewish merchant goes to the Doctor. He complains he's tired and sluggish. The Doctor suggests he goes down to Florida for some relaxation.
The man takes the advice. After a few days he is bored and goes to the hotel lobby to pass some time. A woman sits next to him and says, "pst, hey you buying?" He says, "you selling?" She winks and they go back to his room for a little "tryst".
A few days later he returns to N.Y. and now feels even more sluggish and tired. He goes back to the doctor for another checkup and the Doctor informs him he had contracted a form of sypholis. He needs rest and suggests he return to Florida.
He went back and rested up. One night he went back to the lobby and there was that woman again. She sits next to him and again he hears "pst.. you buying?" & he responds "Vhat you selling now cancer?"
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The program will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following more...
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
A few years later the company contacted him regarding an impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine.
At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was promptly replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50, 000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his more...
Retired colonel, talking of the good old days: Have you ever hunted bear? His grandson's teacher: No, but I've been fishing in shorts.
FROM: Human Resources
TO: All staff
RE: Early retirement:
Due to the current financial situation and probable merger, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 35 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as Retiring Active Personnel Early (RAPE).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). The situation of persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Subsistance Conditions for Retired Early Workers). A person may only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice but SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
Should an employee be refused a SCREW, he can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earning for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive more...
To All Employees:-
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, it is necessary for us to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel, via retirement, by the end of the current fiscal year is effective immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Any employee who is SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for employment outside the company. SLAPPED employees may request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). Employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED have the right to file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under more...
As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.
A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. the program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).
Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience.
This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors more...