Retired Jokes / Recent Jokes
A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked,
"Do you have any military experience?"
The Marine replied, "Why, yes! I've been in the Marines for a couple of years."
"I see," said the interviewer, "any disabilities?"
The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. "Well... In the Vietnam War I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles."
The interviewer, quite shocked, said "All right, you're hired. Please report to work on Monday at 10:00am."
"Wait wait!" shouted the Marine, "When do the others start? I don't want any special treatment just because of my disability."
The interviewer replied, "Well... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone normally comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out more...
A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked,"Do you have any military experience?"The Marine replied, "Why, yes! I've been in the Marines for a couple of years.""I see," said the interviewer, "any disabilities?"The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. "Well... In the Vietnam War I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles."The interviewer, quite shocked, said "All right, you're hired. Please report to work on Monday at 10:00am.""Wait wait!" shouted the Marine, "When do the others start? I don't want any special treatment just because of my disability."The interviewer replied, "Well... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone normally comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out what to do."
Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to make our days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went downtown to go to the News Stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my investments.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, Come on, man, don't you have anything better to do than write a retired person a ticket?
Why aren't you out chasing crooks or child molesters... that's out of your league, obviously!!!
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a' Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him' Barney Fife'. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care....
I came downtown on the more...
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church."That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50, 000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer more...
The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He tookwith him his life-long pet parrot.First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said,? Reveille, Reveille. Up allhands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.?The old chief told the parrot,? We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.?The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot,? If you keep this up, I`ll put you out in the chicken pen.?Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying,? By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don`tmean Khakis!?