Retired Jokes / Recent Jokes
A career military man, who had retired as a Corporal, was explaining to the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service.
"It didn't matter to me whether he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-In-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get off," he stated.
"Wow, you really must have been something," the admiring young soldiers commented. "What was your job in the service, Sir?"
"I was the elevator operator at the Pentagon," the retired Corporal proudly replied.
There was a hardware engineer who had an exceptional gift for troubleshooting automotive robots. After serving his company loyally for more than 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem it was having with one of its multimillion-dollar machines.
The company had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work, but to no avail. In desperation, the company called on the retired engineer who had solved so many problems in the past.
He reluctantly took on the challenge. He spent a day studying the intricate and complex machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. It demanded an itemized accounting of his more...
Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.
The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.
The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.
The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused. The retired more...
Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, "will I have to go home and come back now?" he ask. The woman says, "unbutton your shirt." he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" as she processes his social security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go into town.When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that."Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town.Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?"Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money more...
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.""Fair enough. From now on I`ll make my own," he replied.A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards."We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."
A retired couple is lying in bed one night and are discussing all aspects of their future.
"What will you do if I die before you do?" husband asked wife.
After some thought, she said, "I'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age."
Then wife asked husband, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."