Retired Jokes / Recent Jokes
An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke." The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town." Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go into town. When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that." Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town. Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those." Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?" Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5. 00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept more...
Mary Poppins has retired from her days as a nanny and currently resides in Venice Beach, CA, where she predicts cases of bad breath for her clients. Her sign outside her office reads: “Super California Mystic, Expert: Halitotsis”
Dear Employee:As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).Under the terms of the new policy, an more...
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Miami Beach. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar ". .." ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS! ".
They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they should not judge the' book by its cover.'
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully-stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying,. ......"That's 40 more cents, more...
An old man goes to the doctor and says "Dr., I don't know what's wrongwith me. My dick is orange."The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. Hehas no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently paintedanything orange.The old man said "No."The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recentlybeen exposed to any chemicals at work.The old man said "No, I'm retired."The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with anychemicals in his garage.The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sitaround all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos...
Copied from Ann Lander's Column:
Landers: Santa's 'official' visit has special Claus in military directives.
DEAR Ann Landers: I found this on the Internet and thought it was a hoot. I hope you will print it for Christmas. - Steve Online
Dear Steve: Although the Internet has attracted an amazing amount of garbage, it has also made a great deal of valuable information available to millions of people. Thanks for your charming contribution. Here it is:
This in from retired Air Force Brig. Gen. Bob Clements. Please read.
To: All Retired Military Personnel
Subject: Official Command Visit
This office has been informed of an official visit by Gen. Santa Claus to this base on 25 December. The following directives will govern activities of personnel during this visit:
No creatures will stir without official permission. This will include all native mice. Special stirring permits will be obtained through the orderly room.
Personnel will settle their brains for more...
Dear friends, Being retired and with the stock market going down, our monthly pension payment is quite small now, and don't reach as far as we would like. We now shop more conservatively and often visit Wal-Mart for bargains. I just wanted to share this new secret with my many friends. We may have started a new revolution! My old JC Penney underwear were starting to wear thin and so we came up with what we hope is a novel idea to
stretch our money. Please see the attached photo, which will explain
this new, no cost solution for underwear. If you find merit in this,
please forward to everyone you know to help them with any budget concerns they may have.Love, Pappy