Retired Jokes / Recent Jokes
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in aManhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work forhim as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in thearmy," the general said. "Nothing to it - youll catch on again fast."Next morning promptly at eight oclock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-generalsbedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode aroundthe other side of the bed, spanked his employers wife on her bottom and said,"OK, sweetheart, its back to the village for you."
A retired sergeant was asked: "Well, how do you like civilian life?" "Terrible," he said gruffly, "all those people around and nobody in charge!"
Where do retired pigs go for warm weather? The tropigs!
1) Those insensitive Engineers!
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of
golfers.
ENGINEER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
PRIEST: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't
they?
GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our
club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence)
PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything
he can do for them.
ENGINEER: Why can't these guys play at night?
2) Experience Counts!
There was an engineer who had an more...
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.
Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to more...
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.
The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man.
"She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.
lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man.
"We're not welcome in more...