Retirement Jokes / Recent Jokes

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.

Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year... maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells,' F*ck You', and I holler back,' F*ck You too.

A nurse was going past an old mans room in the nursing home and heard him crying. "What's the matter?" she said.

He said, "My peter died."

She told him she was real busy and would come back later. well she forgot about him and went home. the next day she came to work and saw him walking down the hall with his peter hanging out and swinging. She said, "What in the hell are you doing?"

He said, "My peter died. "

She said, "I know that but what are you doing with it hanging out?"

He said. "Today we are having the viewing."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty.

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay more...

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to the doctor."

"Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

"Why?"

"If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

One day an old lady was talking to another old lady "I'm fed up with life I want to kill myself... what would be the easiest and quickest way to do it?"

The other one says, "Shoot yourself under your left boob"

The next day she's in the hospital with a gun shot wound to her left knee.

Top Ten changes at NASA to accommodate 76-yr-old John Glenn's return to space:

10) All important devices now operated by the Clapper
9) Shuttle's thermostat now set at 80 degrees
8) The cargo bay now converted into a shuffle board court
7) Amplifier now installed in the headphones
6) Metamucil now served instead of Tang
5) Little bowls of candy scattered around the ship
4) Top speed of shuttle now set at 25 MPH
3) Installed new bifocal windshield
2) Space pants now go up to the armpits
1) Left blinker left on for the entire mission.

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be more...