Retirement Jokes / Recent Jokes

Willy's rolling down the hall of a retirement home actinglike he's driving a car, an orderly turns the corner andasks Willy what he's doing. Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend." The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him. He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies,"I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's awayin Chicago."

Old Henry has been sick for quite some time, and could no longer stand the doldrums he was in, so he decided to see his good friend, Dr. Herb Cohen.

After a thorough examination, Dr. Cohen told his friend, Henry, " Henry, you have a very rare disease and the only thing that can help you is to have a daily drink of fresh milk from a young mother."

That didn't sound too bad to Henry, and after several days of looking for the right person, they found a young mother who was willing to sell her milk. So, for the first couple of days Henry showed up at the beautiful young lady's house at 2:00 sharp, and proceeded to imbibe of the woman's breast milk.

On the fifth day, the young lady was beginning to get accustomed to Henry, and with him nuzzling her breasts, she was becoming a bit erotic. So, as Henry was about to finish drinking the milk of the woman that day, she said to him seductively, "Well, Henry, is there anything else you would more...

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10, 000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general’s body between two points he chose.
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720, 000.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960, 000.
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, “from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles. ” The pension man said that would be fine but he’d better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.
The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop ‘em… he did… The Medical Officer placed more...

On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the woman's appearance.

"Honey, you're just a young thing," she remarked, "but you look like hell. What's up?"

"I've been double-crossed," the miserable bride moaned. "When he said he'd been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!"

Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was already so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A little old lady wanted to join a motorcycle gang. She knocked on the door of the local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded guy with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

"I want to join your biker club," she proclaims.

The amused biker told her that she needed to meet certain requirements before she was allowed to join. First he asks, "You have a bike?"

"Yeah," the little old lady says, pointing to a Harley parked in the driveway. "That's my Harley over there."

"Hmmm," the biker replies. "Do you smoke?"

"Yeah, I smoke," says the little old gal. "I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asks, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a moment, then she says, "No,never been picked up by the fuzz. But I have been more...

Dearest girl:
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in
love with you since Tuesday the 17th of August 1999
with reference to the meeting held between us on the
17th of august 1999 at 15. 00 hours.
I would like to present myself as a prospective
lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a
period of 3 months and depending on the compatibility
would be permanent. Of course upon completion of
probation, there will be continuous on the
relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion
from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment
would initially be shared equally between us. Later
based on your performance, I might take up the larger
share of the expenses. However I am broad minded
enough to be taken care of on your expenses account. I
request you to kindly respond within 30 days of
receiving the letter-failing which, this offer would
be cancelled more...