Retirement Jokes / Recent Jokes
One day this old man was about to have sex with an eighteen year old girl, who he did not know. The old man began to put on his condom when the young girl asked him why is he putting one on.
She said "you don't have to worry about getting me pregnant because you are too old and you don't have to worry about catching anything because you are going to die pretty soon anyway".
The old man continued to put on his condom he then looked up at the girl and said, "young girl the reason I am putting on this condom isn't because I am afraid of getting you pregnant or catching anything. I just like the scent of burning rubber."
The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10, 000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720, 000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960, 000. Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop' em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of more...
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a' Thanks for flying XYZ airline.' He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially,' Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why no Ma'am, what is it?'
'Did we land or were we shot down?'
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use our the teeth."
This old fellow in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
She replied, "Why, are you sick?"
"No," he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So, his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater when he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He asked, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got
real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to
urinate. All Day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every
morning at 8: 00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all
kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7: 00
sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8: 00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9: 00 sharp I
wake up."
When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.
At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What do you most look forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer, and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word 'appiness."