Retirement Jokes / Recent Jokes

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

Memo - Subject: Retire Aged Personnel Early As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel. Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The program will be known as R. A. P. E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are R. A. P. E. D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R. A. P. E. D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S. C. R. E. W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers). All employees who have been R. A. P. E. D. or S. C. R. E. W. E. D. may file an appeal with upper management. more...

An old guy is sitting out on the front porch when his wife comes out to find him. She asks, "What are you doing today?"

Her husband replies, "Nothing."

"You did that yesterday," she says.

"I wasn't finished yet."

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Myrtle: What's that?

Beatrice: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Myrtle: Where did you get it?

Beatrice: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Myrtle hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Myrtle: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

She said,' For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.

The wife answered,' Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:' Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.' 'So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?'' They ask.

''It's pretty nice,'' she replies.' 'Except they won't let you fart''

His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,' Well, she's there...'