Retirement Jokes / Recent Jokes

A retiring boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card on his farewell party.

He could then remember how his staff "missed" him. Most staff members were writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same," "We will always remember you," etc.
The boss was not satisfied and asked, "I need something from the bottom of your heart... Peter, you have been working with me for the last 40 years. You are my best staff. What do you have to say?"
Slowly but firmly, Peter wrote, "The best news in 40 years."

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.

Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

The Pentagon recently discovered it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a cheque for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two more...

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then Mood Stones
Now: Kidney Stones

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Screw the system!
Now: System upgrade.

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone

Then:' 'The Making of the President''
Now: The making of the President

Then:' 'Going blind''
Now: REALLY going blind

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Father Knows Best
Now: Go ask your more...

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."
After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small more...

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"