Retirement Jokes / Recent Jokes
Grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.
One day, two old men from a retirement home were sitting on the front porch retirement home. One man says to the other, "Ya know, Bill, if you think about it, we are not that old. I mean, my memory is still very good." As the man said this, he knocked on the wood chair beside him."Actually, sharp as ever."
After a couple minutes of silence, the first man started to talk again, "So, is anyone going to get the door or do I have to do it?"
An old lady in a nursing home is speeding up and down the hall in a wheelchair, making noises like she is driving a car.
As she is going down the hall, and old man jumps out of his room and says. "Excuse me ma'am, you are speeding. Can I see your drivers license?"
She digs around in her pocketbook and pulls out a candy wrapper. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the hall she speeds again. The same man jumps out of his rooms and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but you crossed over the white line. Can I see your registration?" She digs through her pocketbook again and she pulls out an old receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off. Up and down the hall, weaving in and out. This time, the same man jumps out of his room. He is stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheelchair looked up at him and said, more...
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what is in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."