Retirement Jokes / Recent Jokes

A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick.

"If only you would pray with Him, place your right hand in the air, and place your left hand on the afflicted area, the Almighty Lord will heal you."

So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his wife says "Gee honey he said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

Grandma writes:

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could.

Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, more...

A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies, basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer, he realized that they were all stark naked.
He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies laying in the sun on the front lawn.
The director said, "Yes," and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.

New Rules
New Rules
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority more...

A truck driver was interveiwed after 40 years of truck driving
and his retirement party. They asked him one question that
really made him think.
"So, sir, after 40 years of being a truck driver, what is one
thing you have learned?"
The man took a deep breath and let it out and he sighed.
Finally, he replied.
"You learn a lot on the road. But what really struck me is one
thing. When you are driving on a routine 10 hour drive, you
realize, down the road somewhere is a truck, the same as yours,
the same size weight, and carrying the same load of
supplies---going the other way."

As my elderly aunt and uncle strolled downtown one afternoon they run into their old friends. They spend some time discussing this and that when one friend asks my uncle where they has been. "We just left the office of our memory doctor"

"Memory doctor? What is that all about?"

"Well" replies my uncle "As you know we are getting up there in age, and our memory just isn't as sharp as it once was."

"Is the doctor effective?"

"Oh, yes, he's wonderful."

"Really. You know, my memory is not too sharp these days either. Maybe I'll pay him a visit. Whats his name?"

"Oh. Uh. Well." replies my uncle. "Um. You know those things that grow out of the ground?".

"You mean trees?"

"Kind of, but smaller."

"You mean a bush?"

"Yes, a bush or a plant, but. .. Um. .. You more...

To: All Staff
Cc:
From: Management
RE: Early Retirement
Due to our current financial situation, management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. This scheme will be know as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Person selected to be RAPED can apply to the management to be eligible for the SHAFT (Special Help AFTer retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been raped can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided more...