Revenge Jokes / Recent Jokes

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained. After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. "You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

Two whales were swimming in the bay when they noticed the whaling boat that killed and harpooned their brother. The first whale says to the second whale, "Hey there is that boat that harpooned and killed our brother. Let's go swim underneath the boat, blow out of our blowholes, and then the boat will tip over, and all the fisherman will drown in the icy sea!!"

The second whale agrees, so they begin to get their revenge. They swim under the boat, blow out their blowholes, and sure enough, the boat capsizes and all the fisherman begin to drown.

The first whale turns to the second and says, "Now I know what we'll do. We'll swim around and eat up all these fisherman to really get back at them!"

The second whale turns to his brother and says, "I don't think so; I may do blowjobs, but I don't swallow sea men."

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.

George was very excited about his new rifle and decided to go bear hunting. He quickly spotted a small brown bear, took aim and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder. Turning around, he saw standing before him a large black bear.
"You have two choices," the black bear said. "Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
George decided to bend over. Although he was quite sore for a couple of weeks, he soon recovered and vowed revenge. Heading out on another trip, he found the black bear and shot it. Again, there was a tap on his shoulder. This time it was a huge grizzly bear that stood before him.
"That was a big mistake, George. You have two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have really rough sex," growled the grizzly.
Feeling that it would be much safer to comply, George bent over. Although he survived it, this time it took him several months before he finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed more...

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed
with another man. (Sounds familiar, right?) So he dragged the man
down the stairs to the garage and put his John Thomas in a vise. He
secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, "STOP! STOP! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO.. TO..
CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!?"
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye:
"Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? ***** Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose. .. it's how drunk you get. ***** Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. ***** It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. ***** Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal. ***** Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now who's being naive? ***** Homer: But every time I more...