Richard Jokes / Recent Jokes
From the Zeitgeist column of The Guardian Weekend (18 Dec 1993) On his LBC show last week, Sun* columnist Richard Littlejohn railed against a politically correct nursery school in Essex, whose Christmas play featured not Santa Claus but MOTHER Christmas ("to explore issues of femininity and feminism").
Littlejohn complained that it was using Christmas to indoctrinate children and that it "debases and devalues Christmas"
"Mother Christmas doesn't exist!" he protested.
Zeitgeist hates to be the one to have to tell him, but someone's got to; Richard, neither does FATHER Christmas. ( * The Sun is a rabidly right-wing daily tabloid, aimed at people who do not need to take their shoes and socks off to register their IQ score.)
Just a reminder, Richard Pryor will be here
on Thursday to speak on behalf of the ignited Negro fund.
"Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams"
- Kilmarnock fans to the Rangers keeper after he had been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia
"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones."
- Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992
"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered."
- George Best
"If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent."
- Bryan Robson, Man Utd, 1990
"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on."
- John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.
"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs."
- Andy Gray, Sky Sport
Richard Keys: "Well Roy, do you think that you'll have to finish above Manchester United to win the more...
High School Math Exam
Name:_____________________
Gang:________________________
1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots
and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings
can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. If John has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jimmy for
$320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the
balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Richard is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick,
how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Richard can pay for his $800
per day crack habit?
4. Jacob wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a
4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal
to make $800?
6. Robert is in prison for 6 more...
Men vs. Women Men and women are not alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged: RELATIONSHIPS: First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have more...