Robber Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man goes up to an ATM machine. After entering his PIN, another man comes up behind him and tells him to withdraw $500. The man says that he doesn't have any money and was just checking his account balance. He shows the robber by checking his account balance. Sure enough, the ATM shows that there is no money. The robber curses and flees.
The man then reaches into his vest pocket and withdraws an envelope filled with cash and deposits it.

A robber was shinning his torch around at some objects. “Jesus is watching you, ” a voice said “Huh?, oh well, ” the robber said and continued shinning his torch. “Jesus is watching you, ” the voice continued. The robber shined his torch to were the voice came from and found a parrot.
“Oh, it’s you, ” the robber said. “I’m just trying to warn you, ” the parrot said. “Oh, that’s nice, ” the robber said, pretending to be scared, “what’s your name? ” “Moses. ” “Moses? What kind of idiot would call a parrot Moses? ” “The same kind of idiot that would call a rottweiler Jesus! ”

D E S M O I N E S, Iowa? Harpal Singh may have thought he'd seen the last of the man who just robbed him, but the suspect apparently had to get in the last word, police say.

When Singh, a clerk at a Citgo gas station, called police to report the heist, the suspect returned to the store and corrected his description.

Just as Singh told authorities the suspect was "5-something" in height, the suspect, Steven Hebron, told Singh, he was actually 6-foot-2, police said.

He also corrected the clerk when he said the robber was about 38 years old, according to the Des Moines Register "I'm 34," Hebron clarified.

The first time he left the Citgo Quik Mart last Wednesday evening, Hebron tried to run out with several cartons of cigarettes, police allege.

The bag ripped as he headed for the door, however, and Hebron's wallet fell on the floor, a cashier told authorities.

When the cashier yelled for help, Singh more...

...With a little help from our friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"
...What was plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. ("zero-intelligence" policy).
...Some days, it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the leather straps!
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security more...

A young girl and her grandmother were in the bank when three robbers ran in and held it up.
"All the ladies, down on the floor!" one handsome robber demanded.
"My grandmother too?" asked the young girl.
"Yes, your grandmother too!" he yelled. "Now, all ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses."
"My grandmother too?" asked the girl.
"Yes, her too!" the robber snapped. "All ladies will now remove their panties."
"Surely you don't mean my grandmother too?" sobbed the girl.
Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted, "YES, your grandmother too!" Now, all ladies on the floor, spread your legs."
Before the young girl had the chance to ask her usual question, her grandmother snarled, "Quiet girl! You heard what the man said!"

Extracted from US news papers:
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As part of an ongoing feud in Fairfield, Iowa, Ronald Warren Switzer, 39, flew a small plane over the
home of Mike Parsons in July and fired several rifle shots - perhaps the first fly-by shooting in the
U. S.
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According to Saundra Lewis, a clerk at a Durham, N. C., convenience store that was held up in
February, the robber kept apologizing. He said he was sorry when he began the holdup, then again when
he rejected her plea to think it over, then again just as he fled. A few seconds after leaving, he
returned and said, "I'm sorry - really, I'm sorry," but nevertheless kept the money. In contrast, the
robber of a tobacco shop in Mesa, Ariz., in March not only returned the next night to rob the clerk
again, but chastised her for having been rude to him the night before.
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In a San Francisco Chronicle story in more...

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A bank robber more...