Roll Jokes / Recent Jokes

Man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm.
The barman asks “What’ll it be? ”
The man says, “I’ll have half a bitter, and one for the road. ”

A man walks into the store to buy some tampons for his wife. After walking around, unable to find them, he asks a clerk for assistance. She walks him over to the aisle where they are and he thanks her. A few minutes later he walks up to the cash register and puts down a big bag of cotton balls and a roll of string. Confused, the cashier says, “I thought you were after tampons for your wife? ” The man says, “It’s like this… Last week I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a box of papers and a pouch of tobacco. I figure if I gotta roll my own, so does she. ”

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN
(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.
SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed... 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows... 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets... -1 You leave the toilet seat up... -5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty... 0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex... -1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night... 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's more...

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed... 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows... 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets... -1 You leave the toilet seat up... -5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty... 0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex... -1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night... 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing... 0 You more...

It's 8 a.m. at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the crap table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on the roll of the dice. The dealers agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I am bottomless."

They both nod yes, and With that she strips naked from the waist down and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of panties!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

She picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

You're so covered in dirt that if you wanted to eat a tootsie roll, you'd have to wear white gloves to keep from biting your finger!

At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out,
"Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your
brother died last night."
The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he said
afterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic
news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"
The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn't
look very convinced.
Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the
troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward.
"Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the
sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT! " They came to
attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they
replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you more...