Roll Jokes / Recent Jokes

Things Dogs Must Try To Remember
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down more...

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, more...

1.Come out of the stall with wet hands.
2.Pour water in a constant stream on the floor and say, 'Darn, I almost made it!'
3.Wash you hair and dry it in the hand dryer.
4.Wear papertowels wrapped around your head and pretend you're Erykah Badu.
5.Write on the wall of a women's bathroom 'Tom was here.' In the men's bathroom write 'Michael Jackson was here.'
6.Ask a person in the stall next to you for a tampon.
7.Roll a roll of toilet paper all the way down the row of stalls.
8.For women, stand in front of the toilet.
9.Scream 'Ohh it burns!' as you use the bathroom.
10.Lock the door from the inside, sound frustrated that you can't get out, then crawl under the door, getting as dirty as possible and complain to the manager that the door is faulty.

While two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table a gorgeous gal comes over and says she wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. She then tells them, "I sure hope you don't mind, but I always feel luckier when I'm nude."
She then strips from the waist down, rolls the dice and yells "Come on, Momma needs some new clothes." Suddenly she hollers, "Yippee! I won, I won" and starts to jump up and down, hugging the dealers.
She then picks up her money and clothing and quickly leaves. Totally dumbfounded, the dealers stare at one another until one of them finally asks, "What was it she rolled anyhow?" To which the other replied, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
“Kitty box crunchies” are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom.
I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled more...

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark more...

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1. 50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1. 00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take no crap off nobody!"