Ronald Jokes

OFF THE WIRE
News We Just Couldn't Pass Up
A bad-tempered parrot named Henry has been banned from a national women's lawn-bowling championship in Britain for laughing and making disrespectful remarks.
Students protesting militarism in Israel wanted more than a banner to reach the public - so they painted an army tank memorial bubble-gum pink.
A 13-year-old Ugandan girl was forced to marry her elder sister's husband-to-be after the bride eloped hours before a traditional marriage ceremony.
A Russian political group will award $3,000 to the person who provides the best joke about its opponents in December's parliamentary elections.
After two days' baking, 10,000 eggs and 9 tons of flour, Chilean cooks finished what they claimed was the world's largest cake. It weighed 25 tons.
Esso Singapore has hired 10 university students to sing and dance for customers while filling their gas tanks and wiping their windows.
In Kissimmee, Fla., Ronald Legendre promised more...

This is supposed to be a true story. don't ask me if it really is.

1994's MOST BIZARRE SUICIDE

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
in
San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the
story.

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus
and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent
had
jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide
(he
left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth
floor, his
life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed
him
instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety
net
had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window
washers and
that Opus would not have more...

An ANAGRAM, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding!

Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in' em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it

This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare] To be or not to be: that is
the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune. = In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our
insistent hero, more...

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might more...

ALLEN GINSBURG VIRUS - Seemed to come from nowhere. Extremely virulent, yet ineffectual. Attempts to invade all file systems of worldwide media organizations at once. Generates copious, conflicting press reports via an advanced randomly-parsing syntax generator developed by California hackers. Frequently found to have infiltrated expensive Washington restaurants.
Anita Hill Virus - Lies dormant for ten years.
BARBARA BUSH VIRUS - One of the ugliest viruses we’ve seen in years, but
seems to have a nice disposition and does little damage.
Billy Graham Virus - When you save a file, it prints, “I am saved! ” to the screen.
Chicago Cubs Virus - Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it!
COLIN POWELL VIRUS - Makes its presence known, but doesn’t do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS v 1. 0 - Thers sumthin rong wit yur kompueter, butt ewe jsut cant figyour out watt.
Dan Quayle more...