Royal Jokes / Recent Jokes

Royal Penis Comparison The kings of Spain, France, and England all stand on stage together in front of their nations all ready to see who of the three has the largest penis.
The king of Spain takes his out and as they all see the impressive proportions all the Spanish people shout: "Viva Espania!"
The king of France is next and as his is even larger, all the French scream: "Vive la France!"
Next comes the king of England, and just as he drops his pants and takes his out, everyone exclaims: "God save the Queen!"

A recent Mercury carried an article about the visit of the Royal Stand-ins, Andrew and Fergie, to L.A.'s British Fest.
A man was arrested nearby for carrying a rifle. It was subsequently determined that the event was independent of the royal visit, that the man was toting his gun around because of a domestic spat. So he was immediately released, and given back his gun.
Only in the NRA's America...

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What`s that building there?" "That`s the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build `em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What`s that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That`s the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long`d it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build `em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, more...

The British Military writes EPRs and officer fitness reports. The form used for Royal Navy and
Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are ACTUAL EXCERPTS taken from people's
"206's"....
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
I would not breed from this Officer.
This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in
there.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
Technically sound, but socially impossible.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but
not really going anywhere.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has more...

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Mueller is first.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few more...

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "Whats that building there?" "Thats the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie."12 years? We build em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months." A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "Whats that building over there?" asked the Texan. "Thats the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How longd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us more...

A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After more...