Rush Jokes / Recent Jokes

The State of American political rhetoric:
"The plan is really a Doctor Kevorkian prescription for the jobs of American working men and women." Rep. Richard Armey, R-Texas, on the Clinton health care proposal.
At a congressional hearing Armey pledged to Hillary Clinton to make the health care debate exciting. Mrs. Clinton replied, "I'm sure you will do that, you and Doctor Kevorkian."
"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until it's free." humorist P.J. O'Rourke.
"The people of the 5th district of Georgia did not send me here to sell them out for a mess of pottage (sic) and 30 (sic) pieces of silver." Democratic Rep. John Lewis, saying no to NAFTA.
Understatement of the year: "I spun myself out of control." Republican consultant Edward Rollins on his post-election statements about suppressing black voter turnout in the New Jersey governor's race.
"If we're going to prepare them for what goes on in more...

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!"Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you more...

Rush Limbaugh has challenged MSNBC to go thirty days without mentioning his name. MSNBC responded by challenging Rush to go thirty days without visiting a Krispy Kreme store.

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.
“Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses. ” explained the driver.
“What did you tell the farmer? ” Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, “I told him I was Rush Limbaugh’s driver and I’d just killed the pig. ”

I don't care what Rush Limbaugh says, I don't want Jimmy Fallon to fail!

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.' 'So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?'' They ask.

''It's pretty nice,'' she replies.' 'Except they won't let you fart''

Florida State football coach Bill Peterson: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." He also said, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Mike Tyson, about writer Wallace Matthews: "He called me a rapist and a recluse. I'm not a recluse."
Weightlifting commentator Pat Glenn: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Alan Minter: "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
Football coach Bill Peterson: "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
Basketball player Jason Kidd: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "I don't hold water with that theory."
Baseball player Pedro Guerrero, on sportswriters: "Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
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