Russian Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.
As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're very drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them.
He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if more...

The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.

"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game."

The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'II show you how."

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American.

"That's great," the ambassador said. "That doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."

"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."

Billie and Tillie were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!"

1. “Excuse Me. ” (male to male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)
2. “Excuse Me. ” (male to female)
(I am going to grope you now.)
3. “Excuse Me. ” (female to male)
(Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
4. “Excuse Me. ” (female to female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. And get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you like the slut you are.)
5. “What do you have on tap? ”
(What’s cheap?)
6. “Can I have a white Russian? ” (male)
(I’m *really* gay.)
7. “Can I have a white Russian? ” (female)
(I’m *really* easy.)
8. “That person looks really familiar. ”
(Did I sleep with him/her?)
9. Can I just get a glass of water? ” (female)
(I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
10. I don’t have my ID on me. ” more...

It seems one day there was a Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan fishing in a boat in the middle of a lake.
After a few hours, the Russian pulls out a brand new bottle of Vodka, takes one drink, then throws the bottle into the lake.
When the others ask him about this, the Russian says "there is plenty of Vodka where I come from".
A while later, the Mexican pulls out a new bottle of Tequila, takes one drink, then throws the bottle into the lake.
When the others ask him about this, the Mexican says "there is plenty of Tequila where I come from".
Another hour passes and then the Texan pulls out a new bottle of Lone-Star Beer, takes one drink, then throws the Mexican into the lake.

A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space! ” The American said, “We were the first on the moon! ” The blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun! ”. The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot, you’ll burn up! ” said the Russian. To which the blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know, We’re going at night! ”

The Russian and the American presidents are walking along the beach. They start
discussing their submarines.
The Russian president says, "We recently have made much progress with our
submarines. They can now stay as long under water as yours, for one month."
The American president replies, "Do you not think that we also made progress?
Our submarines can now stay under water for two months."
Shortly after this discussion they hear some strange sound coming from the sea.
Suddenly a old fashioned looking submarine appears. A hatch opens and a
uniformed man appears, "Heil Hitler, meine Herren. Can you tell me whether the
war is already over?"