Russian Jokes / Recent Jokes

International Travellers Bloopers
1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat.
2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???).
9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: more...

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. “Aaah! ” he said. “We’re right over my homeland. ”
“How can you tell? ” asked the American.
“I can feel the cold air. ” he replied.
A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. “Aah we’re right over my homeland. ” he said.
“How do you know that? ” asked the Russian. “I can feel the heat of the desert. ”
Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. “Aah, we’re right over New York. ”
The Russian and the African were amazed. “How do you know all of that? ” they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand up. “My watch is missing. ”

An american, a russian, and a dane was discussing the differences between their countries. Pretty soon the general talking turned into general bragging about how terrific their respective countries where.
The Russian said, "Our navy is so big, that if we all sailed out at once, it would cover every ocean in the world."
The American, not wanting to let the Russian get the better of him, continued, "Well, our Air Force is so big that if all of our planes took off at once we could cover the sky all over the world."
The Dane thought for a while then said: "I once new a guy in Odense whose dick was so long that 17 parrots could sit on it at once."
They stood for a while not saying anything, until the Russian decided he might modify his bold statement a bit, "Well maybe the ships wouldn't cover ALL of the ocean."
The American, feeling the need for honesty as well said, "Well, maybe the planes wouldn't cover all of the sky more...

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the
usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five
years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them
with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from
each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and
after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day
came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a more...

Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out
of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.
Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once
authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they
claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the
trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within
minutes.
They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its
cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a
Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken
off for home.
Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a
now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves,
they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea more...

A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User`s Manual?
The bus and train timetables.
What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A bloody miracle.
One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a present of her choice. She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich, if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open the borders just for one day." Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?" The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you."
Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room; Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but the cat isn`t there; Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, the cat more...

How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?

Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.