Russian Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning.
Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices
that Vladimir is also smiling.
Ivan [suspiciously]: "What were you thinking about?"
Vladimir: "Same thing you were thinking about, comrade."
Ivan: "Then it is my duty to arrest you."
two russian women swimmers talking one says to the other i will have to stop taking steroids why says the other i am starting to grow hair in some unusual places says first swimmer in what unusual places asks the second swimmer on my balls replies the first.
A New Russian is buying "Mersedes" of the 600 series. Before giving him keys and documentation a salesman asks: "Excuse me, Sir, a week ago You bought here a car just like this one. Is anything wrong with it?"
A New Russian thinks a wile trying to remember, then replies: "Oh, no, that's a perfect machine but the ashtray's been filled."
A great Russian scientist Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow made experiments with a flea.
He said: "Jump, flea!" and it jumped 40 centimetres high.
So he took a pencil (a big Russian invention) and put the following record in the experimental log: "I said:' Jump, flea!' and it jumped 40 cm."
Then he tore off one of the flea's legs. He said: "Jump, flea!" and it jumped 30 centimetres high. He recorded: "When I tore off one leg, the flea jumped 30 cm."
Then he continued tearing off other legs and the flea jumped 20, 10, and 2 centimeters high, respectively. Everything was recorded in the log book.
When only 1 leg remained, the poor flea jumped only 1 millimeter and a half high. Again, it was recorded.
Finally he tore off the last leg. He said: "Jump, flea!". No response.
He said again (in a high voice): "Jump, flea!". Nothing.
He shouted: "Jump, flea!!!". The flea did not move.
So Ivan more...
(I'm not proud, I'll take them from any source...)
(This is a Russian joke that Ronnie told a while back. What with the summit
and all, he probably won't be telling so many of these.)
A Russian fellow has saved and saved and finally can purchase an automobile.
He goes to the state store to order his car and is informed that it will be
delivered in ten years. The man then asks:
"Will it be here in the morning or the afternoon?"
"Why are you concerned? It's quite some time from now."
"Because the plumber is coming in the morning."
The scene: A train compartment in Poland in the 1950`s. A young Polish peasant, a Russian soldier, a beautiful young girl and an older woman in it. The train goes through a tunnel. It`s totally dark for a moment. A kiss is heard and then the sound of a face being slapped. As the train comes out of the tunnel, the Russian soldier is rubbing his sore cheek... The old Polish woman is thinking to herself: "Serves him right! I am glad the beautiful young girl slapped him. These Russians have no shame." The young Polish woman is thinking: "What an idiot! He had a chance to kiss me and he chose to kiss the old woman. I am glad she slapped him!" The Russian soldier is thinking: "Very clever of the Polish guy to kiss the young girl and let me take the whacking." The young Polish peasant thinks: "Brilliant idea to kiss my own hand and slap the Russian on his faceÉ"
There were three guys that wanted to take a citizenship test. One was French one was Russian and of course the other Polish. They were given books to study from and the next day they were all ready to take the test. However, they were all good friends and one of them came up with a brilliant idea to write down the answers on a piece of paper and put it in their underwear. The proctor asked the Frenchman, "Who was the first president of the U.S." So the Frenchman looks down into his underwear and said, "George Washington." Then the proctor asked the Russian, "Who was the sixteenth president of the U.S.?" So the Russian looks down and says, "Abraham Lincoln." When it came to the Polish guy, the proctor said, "Who is the current President of the U.S.?" The Polak answered, "Fruit of the Loom."