Russian Jokes / Recent Jokes

An American Who Finds Himself In Moscow Wants To Know The Time. He Sees A Man Approaching Him Carrying Two Heavy Suitcases And Asks The Fellow If He Knows The Correct Time.
"Certainly," Says The Russian, Setting Down The Two Bags And Looking At His Wrist. "It Is 11: 43 And 17 Seconds. The Date Is Feb. 13, The Moon Is Nearing Its Full Phase And The Atmospheric Pressure Stands At 992 Hectopascals And Is Rising."
The Visitor Is Dumbfounded But Manages To Ask If The Watch That Provides All This Information Is Japanese. No, He Is Told, It Is "Our Own, A Product Of Soviet Technology."
"Well, That Is Wonderful, You Are To Be Congratulated."
"Yes," The Russian Answers, Straining To Pick Up The Suitcases, "But These Batteries Are Still A Little Heavy."

A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink. The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."
The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."
The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."
"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?"
"No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

TRAVELLER'S TALES
 
 
IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
  composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS:
 "Visitors are expected to complain at the officebetween the hours of 9 and 11 a. m. daily."
IN A JAPANESE HOTEL:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE:
Ladies are requested not to have childrenin the bar.
AT A BUDAPEST ZOO:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have anysuitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
IN A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN TOURIST AGENCY:
Take one of our horse-driven citytours. We guarantee no more...

Sign on a Norfolk farm: "Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left."Sign seen in London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs" Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: "Closed for official opening." Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk." Sign in a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."Sign in a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. Sign on a Norfolk farm: "Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left." Sign seen in London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs" Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: "Closed for official opening." Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk." Sign in a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A. M. daily." Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." Sign in a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Theres a Mexican, a Texan, and a Russian on a cruise ship in the Carribean and a waiter walks by with a tray of drinks. The Russian grabs the Vodka and throws it over-board saying, *Ive had enough of THAT at home!* The Mexican grabs the Tequila and throws it over-board exclaiming, *Ive had enough of THAT at home!* The Texan grabs the Mexican and throws him over-board cursing, *Ive had enough of THAT at home!*

The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They had spent the day discussing the progress the country had made with the Russians before kicking them out.
"They built us a power plant, an airport, and taught us how to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
The ambassador looked pained and said, "Russian roulette is a dangerous game." "Right, that's why we invented African roulette; would you like to play?"
"I'm not sure, how does it work?" The African clapped his hands and six gorgeous black women, all nude, came wiggling in. "Choose the one you want to give you oral sex."
"That's a lot better and less risky than Russian roulette..."
"Not when one of them is a cannibal."