Samuel Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: Samuel, you've told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you weren't injured at all, isn't that true?"
Samuel: Well... let me explain.
Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). Please tell the jury.
Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing.
Of course, I immediately replied, 'I'm OK!'

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) Find a prostitute and marry her.
- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30) Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future more...

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Samuel!
Samuel who?
Sameul be famous one day! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Samuel!
Samuel who?
Samuel sure is stubborn!

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-- Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21: 11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1: 1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2: 16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4: 5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21: 19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2: 19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marrige. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. (That's right: fourteen years of toil for a more...