Satan Jokes / Recent Jokes

President Clinton dies and decends into hell. As a professional courtesy to a fellow, worldclass liar Satan greets the President personally.
'Mr. President' he says' we don't normally do this. But I'm going to give you three choices of your eternal punishment'.
'Great' says Bill.' But once you've picked there is no going back. It will be your fate for the remainder of time. This time I'm not lying'.
First they come to a dark, burning pit. Adolf Hitler is naked and being speared by an an army of demons. He's bleeding and screaming madly. Bill cringes and says he could never handle the pain.
Next they come to a hot, burning cave. Saddam Hussein is naked with his limbs stretched and broken. Devils are burning his flesh with hot coals. Once again Bill retreats and refuses the option.
Finally they come to a pleasant, cool room. Ken Starr is naked on a table and Monica Lewinksy is giving him what she loves to give best. Bill smiles and says' now that's more like more...

And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them". And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly coloured sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert. And Woman gained pounds.
And God said "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth more...

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more thanten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys." Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

George W Bush dies and finally goes down to hell.
Satan is already there waiting for him, with the speech about an eternity of torment and pain, when Bush suddenly turns and says,-hey, cant we come to an agreement? Can we make a deal of some sort for me not to be in as much pain for all eternity?-
So Satan thinks for a bit, and then says -Ok, theres something we can do. Here are 3 doors, behind each of which is a former president of the United States. Now one person there has to leave hell, and you will have to replace the person you choose.-
-Fair enough,- says Bush.
So Satan opens the 1st door and in it is George Washington getting all his teeth kicked out only for them to grow back and get kicked out again.
Bush turns and says, -no, thats too painful-
So Satan opens the 2nd door and Abraham Lincoln is there being tortured by african slaves who he had work on his plantations, and Bush says -no, lets see the last one-
Behind the third door, Bill Clinton, more...

A curious fellow died one day and was waiting in a long, long line for judgment. He noticed that some people, after they went through the line, were able to go through heaven's gates. Others were lining up behind satan who was throwing most of them into the eternal fires of hell. Every once in while, though, instead of tossing a poor soul into the fire, he would toss him/her to one side. After watching for hours, the fellow could not resist. He gave up his place in line and went over and tapped satan on the shoulder.

'Excuse me, sir,' he said.' I'm supposed to be in line for judgment (didn't want satan to mistake him for someone who had already been condemned to hell) but I couldn't help but wonder why some of these people are being tossed aside instead of into the fires of hell?'

'Oh,' satan said with a snicker.' Those are Oregonians. They're too wet to burn.'

A man is driving down the road one day, is involved in a crash and dies. The next thing he knows he is standing in a hallway and he can tell that he is in hell. As he leans against the wall to weep over his plight satan walks up to him.
Satan asks, " What's wrong?"
The man says, "Well, the last thing I remember is driving down the road and getting in a crash, now here I am in hell right?"
Satan says, " Yeah, you're right, but hell gets a bad rap, would you like me to explain?"
"OK" the man says.
Satan asks, "Well you like sex don't you?"
"Yeah!" the man says.
Satan tells him "Monday is sex day here in hell. Hell is full of beautiful women and on monday you can have sex with any of them for as long as want, anyway that you want", satan says.
"That doesn't seem too bad", the man says.
Satan asks, "You like to drink don't you?"
The man says, more...