Scared Jokes / Recent Jokes
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So, did more...
One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen." Where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him." I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma," exclaimed Johnny." There's a big ol' alligator down there!""Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!""Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
The following Transcript was performed in June of 2006 at the Broadway Comedy Club in New York City.I hope I don't seem too off tonight - I caught Paris Hilton's new single the other day; now my ears itch, and it burns when I hear.
Y'like what I did there, right? Yeah...it's funny cuz she's a whore.
I saw in the paper yesterday that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan got into it at some Hollywood party recently, and the papers were calling it a "catfight," which to me is typical tabloid exaggeration.
We all know the rule of thumb: it ain't a catfight, unless we see some titty. It's gotta be confirmed by at least two witnesses...
So I say let'em go at it til shit gets to rippin'. It's not like there's high expectations floating around for these two. It's not like there's a lot of people who think'Paris Hilton' and'Lindsay Lohan' and immediately think, 'class.'
I've known chicks from Jersey with more self-esteem. Seriously, as I speak there is a fifty year old more...
A pedophile and a young boy are walking through a dark forest when the boy says "It's getting dark and I'm scared" when the pedophile says "You're scared, I gotta walk outta here by myself!"
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom and she said yes. Unfortunately, when he went to wipe his bum there wasn't any toilet paper so he used his hand. When he returned to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
"I have a little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," answered the little boy.
The teacher sent him to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hand.
"I have a little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," said the little boy. The principal sent him home and his mother asked him the same question.
"I have a little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," replied the little boy. His mother sent him to his room. When his father got home, he went to the little boy's room and asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
Again, the little boy replied, "I have a little leprechaun and if more...
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having
a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son
replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The
father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes
his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had
died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him
to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes
his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died.
The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed more...