Scheme Jokes

To all staff
Early Retirement
Due to the current financial situation, management has decided to give all workers over 30 yrs an early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Retirement). Persons who have been RAPED & SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme For Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependant or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Early Personnel Scheme). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives it's more...

Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.
Everybody's gotta be someplace.
Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head.
Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.

Everybody should believe in something, I believe I`ll have another beer.

Everybody`s gotta be someplace.

Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.

Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head.

Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.

Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

Everything in moderation, including moderation.

Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.

What's the height of intelligence?
Answer: a 99 year old sardar going for hutch ka naya lifetime scheme.

An elderly and rich bania, mean in money matters, acquired a pretty young wife who was a spendthrift. He thought of a scheme to teach his wife the habit of saving. He presented her with a small tin box with a slit in its lid, locked it and put the key in his pocket.' Meyree Jaan/ he said to her,' every time you let me kiss you, I will put a five rupee coin into the box through this slit on top. At the end of the month I will unlock it. All the money in it will be yours to spend as you like.'
The scheme worked very well. The young wife showed more willingness to be kissed and her elderly husband was quite happy to part with five rupee coins for what he got in return.
At the end of the month, with a grand gesture he produced the key from his pocket and unlocked the box. What he saw did not please him because there were many ten and twenty rupee notes in the box.' Where did these come from?' he demanded angrily.' I've only been putting in five rupee coins.'
'Not everyone more...