Schoolyard Jokes

The school my brother's kids go to has the thought police. The kids can't even use euphemisms because if you say "shoot" you're thinking "shit." Of course this is also the emotional police, because now you're really not allowed to have exclamations at all.

Story goes that my then eight year old nephew was playing with some blocks or something and they fell over. He says, "Darn!"

Teacher says, "Don't say' darn'."

Nephew asks, "Can I say' shoot'?"

"No."

"Can I say' heck'?"

"No, you know you can't."

My nephew then paused for a moment and said, "Well, god damn it, what the hell can I say?"

My brother apparently had a really hard time keeping a straight face in the principal's office when he had to come collect the boy...

Whenever I say something you say:
ketchup and liquor

What did you have for breakfast?
ketchup and liquor

What did you have for lunch?
ketchup and liquor

What did you have for dinner?
ketchup and liquor

What do you do when you see a woman?
ketchup and liquor (catch up and lick her)

Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 14-year-old Little Johnny, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.

He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex. The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally."

So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."

Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"

"Yes, Ma'am, " Little Johnny stammers, more...

Mummy and Daddy are in the bath with their children, a little boy and a little girl (perverted family I know!!) when the little girl points to her mother's lower regions and says' Mummy, what is that down there?', to which her mother replies' That is my multi-story car park, you have a garage'. Satisfied the little girl continues playing with her ducks.

A little while later the little boy looks at his father and says' Daddy, what is that bobbing about in the water?' to which his father replies' That is my Rolls Royce, you have a Mini'. Satisfied the little boy carries on splashing his sister. The adults get out and go down stairs.

Five minutes later they here this terrible screaming coming from the bath room. When they get there, the little boy is screaming his head off and there is blood everywhere.

The mum looks at her daughter and asks what happened to which the little girl calmly replies,' he tried to put his mini in my garage so I ripped his back more...

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President.

The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God which ran as follows:

Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those corrupt politicians deducted $95.00.