Scottish Jokes / Recent Jokes
The MacTavish brothers decided that one of their number would go to America and make his fortune, coming back to share with the rest of them. The youngest, Ian, was chosen for this task. Off he went, and he worked hard in America, and earned himself a fortune over a few years, and wired his brothers that he`d be returning with it. When he came back to Scotland he got off the boat, and looked around for his brothers, but could not see anyone who looked familiar. Finally, a group of bearded strangers approached. "Ho, Ian, are ye not knowing yer own brothers?" asked the first one. Then Ian realized his brothers had grown beards. "Fer heaven`s sake, laddies, what would ye be growin` them beards for, now?" he asked. "We had to, lad, ye took the razor wi` ye!"
There was a Scottish man, an Irish man and a stupid man one day they came across a magic slide. So if you slide down it and shouted out anything in the world, you would land in that thing, so the Scottish man went down the slide and shouted "lager" and he landed in a pool of lager.
The Irish man went down and shouted "money". He landed in a pot of money.
The stupid man went down the slide and shouted "Ahhhhh weeeeee"....and I think you know what happened next!!!
A Scottish gift: "It`s nae use to me, ye`re welcome to it."
Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his English neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, `What are you doing there, Hughie?` `My goldfish died,` replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, `and I`ve just buried him.` The English neighbour was very concerned. `That`s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn`t it?` Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, `That`s because he`s inside your cat.`
In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight. One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog. "Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen". With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard. "Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman". With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice. "Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman". Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later. "Any one scotsman can beat more...
Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What`s the story this time. Hughie? " he asked sarcastically." Let`s hear a good excuse for a change. "Wee Hughie sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn`t turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office." You`ll have to do better than that. Hughie, "said his boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."
An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,`` may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.`` The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: `` no thanks, I`ll just wait till the Police get here."