Scottish Jokes / Recent Jokes
An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians. ‘You’ll find,’ he said, ‘a great number of Scots half-breeds and French halfbreeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.’ ‘Not surprisingly,’ shouted Wee Hughie in the audience. ‘The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.
MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure`n I`ll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"
Why is a Scottish boy with a cold like a soldier with seven days` leave. Because they both have a wee cough (week off).
SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE. You`ll need the following: 1 cup of water 1 cup of sugar 4 large brown eggs 2 cups of dried fruit 1 teaspoon of salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice 1 cup of nuts 1 bottle of whiskey.
That Scottish couple finally worked out a solution to the eternallove triangle. They ate the sheep.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it`s the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don`t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway??
A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, Theres a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy. The Scot is not impressed and says, Thats nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five. At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says Thats nothing. In Dublin theres this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you. The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies No, but my sister told me about it.