Scottish Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

There was an english man, an irish man and a scottish man, all on a plane. The plane crash landed on an island and the three of them escaped but were soon captured by cannibals.
"We shall let you live," Said the head of the cannibals, "if you each shove a peice of fruit up your ass without making a sound." The english man puts a plum up his ass, and screams in pain and is killed. The irish man has an apple half way up his ass when he starts laughing histerically.
In heaven the english man asks the irish man "why did you laugh? you could have lived!" and the irish man replies,
"I just saw that scottish dude coming back with a pineapple!"

One day a Scottish guy and his girlfreind were walking when the Scottish guy says, "You want to hold my hand, don't you?"
The girlfriend replies, "How can you possibly know that?", and the guy goes, "The twinkle in your eye."
So, they hold hands for a bit, but a little while later the guy goes, "You want to kiss me, don't you?" and she goes, "How can you possibly know that?", to which he replies, "The twinkle in your eye." Sure enough, he is given a kiss by the lass.
Finally, the date is over, and the girl says you want to make love to me, don't you?"
He says, "How can you possibly know that? Is it the twinkle in my eye?"
She says, "No, it's the tilt in your kilt."

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run.... run!
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man!

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?Och! It's no auw that dark!

A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!
He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined"He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"

When Jock moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?""Well," explained Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all